


Perfect

by catholicorprotestant



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Gore, I am so fucking sorry, M/M, Medical Trauma, soul crushing angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-24
Updated: 2018-07-24
Packaged: 2019-06-15 08:12:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15408735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catholicorprotestant/pseuds/catholicorprotestant
Summary: I found a love for meDarling just dive right in, and follow my leadWell I found a girl, beautiful and sweetI never knew were the someone waiting for meCause we were just kids when we fell in loveNot knowing what is was, I will not give you up this timeBut darling just kill me slow, your heart is all I ownAnd in your eyes you’re holding mineThe song came from everywhere, and nowhere all at once. Tooru wasn’t sure if it was actually playing, or just in his head. Time was standing still. All he could see was Hajime smiling up at him, his eyes sparkling with love. He opened a ring box to reveal the most beautiful white gold ring. Tooru shook his head, unable to believe it was happening. The one thing he wanted more than anything else was happening. Hajime let out a soft laugh.“Tooru, I have loved you my whole life. I love you so much. I will always love you. You’re my best friend, my biggest cheerleader, my worst critic. I cannot imagine a life without you. I want to take my last breath next to you. Marry me, Tooru.”





	Perfect

**Author's Note:**

> I AM SO FUCKING SORRY!!! IT'S AN ANGST CHALLENGE

All Tooru wanted to do after a long day at work was to curl up on the couch with his boyfriend, and watch Netflix. But nooooo. Hajime insisted that they go to this party at his parents’ house, and then had the nerve to last minute tell him to go ahead and go because he had to stay late at work. No. Hell no. But here he was, exhausted beyond belief, and a bit annoyed at the world right now. He could just kill Hajime. He hadn’t even asked Tooru if he wanted to go. Just told him they were going because it was his parents. And on a day they both worked? How did that make sense. He was so over today. Work had been so frustrating and stressful. His boss was breathing down his neck to finish the project he had only been assigned two days prior. Clients were complaining about work that the company was doing. His coworkers wouldn’t leave him alone. It was awful. And now he had to pretend to be cheerful as to not dampen the party. He was going to do all of that begrudgingly because he loved Hajime. But sometimes he just got on his last nerve. 

He knocked on the door, and waited with his arms crossed over his chest, and his mouth pulled to the side. He couldn’t help but sulk. This would be the final moment before he had to pull what little strength he had left out. 

The door opened to reveal Hajime’s mother. Her hair was pinned up, and her makeup was fresh. She was wearing a beautiful dress that looked more at place in a fancy museum or one of those cocktail parties than a small family get together for no occasion. He felt underdressed in his skinny jeans and blue sweater. He forced a smile. 

“Obasan!” He greeted, allowing the woman to pull him into a tight hug. 

“Come in, come in! Are you hungry? Would you like something to drink?” 

“That would be nice. Thank you so much.” 

Tooru followed her in, kicking off his shoes. The savory and sweet mixture of the meal that had been prepared wafted through the air, tugging at him. His stomach grumbled, begging to be filled. He hadn’t even realized how ravenous he was until then. He hadn’t eaten in almost eight hours, only sustaining himself on coffee while he tried to push through the many projects he’d been slapped with. 

He stopped in his tracks when he saw Hajime dressed up in a black suit looking more attractive than Tooru had ever seen him. His hair was even behaving a bit more than usual. Now he definitely felt underdressed. He slowly cleared the space between them. 

“Hajime, what are-” 

He gasped when Hajime pulled him toward him, and fell to his knee. Tooru jumped back, his hands flying over his mouth and nose. Tears pooled in his eyes, and a smile couldn’t be kept from his lips. 

_I found a love for me_  
Darling just dive right in, and follow my lead  
Well I found a girl, beautiful and sweet  
I never knew were the someone waiting for me 

_Cause we were just kids when we fell in love_  
Not knowing what is was, I will not give you up this time  
But darling just kill me slow, your heart is all I own  
And in your eyes you’re holding mine 

The song came from everywhere, and nowhere all at once. Tooru wasn’t sure if it was actually playing, or just in his head. Time was standing still. All he could see was Hajime smiling up at him, his eyes sparkling with love. He opened a ring box to reveal the most beautiful white gold ring. Tooru shook his head, unable to believe it was happening. The one thing he wanted more than anything else was happening. Hajime let out a soft laugh. 

“Tooru, I have loved you my whole life. I love you so much. I will always love you. You’re my best friend, my biggest cheerleader, my worst critic. I cannot imagine a life without you. I want to take my last breath next to you. Marry me, Tooru.” 

“Yes, yes. God, yes, I’ll marry you!” Tooru choked out through his tears. 

Hajime stood up, putting the ring on his finger, and pulled him close. Tooru wrapped his arms around Hajime’s neck, staring at him, with the biggest smile on his face. He pressed a kiss to Hajime’s lips.

“You better not be calling me a girl, Iwa-chan,” Tooru muttered with a giggle, hiding his face in Hajime’s shoulder.

“I mean…” 

Tooru pulled away, and slapped his arm. “You’re so rude.”

“I love you.” 

“I love you too.” Tooru beamed. 

\----------

The sun shined through the window, illuminating the room in a warm, pure light. Tooru stared at Hajime sleeping next to him. They slept next to each other so many times in their lives, even sharing cribs when they were babies when their mothers talked. They’d been dating nearly eight years now, and moved in together when they were eighteen. He woke up to Hajime’s peaceful, sleeping face every morning with the drool dried to his face, and pooled on the bed. His hair was a mess. It was so cute. 

Tooru turned to his side to stare at him. Somehow this morning was different. This was their first morning as an engaged couple. They were supposed to be getting things ready for the wedding. Tooru had been dreaming of that since he was younger. He loved planning parties and events, and the thought of planning a wedding was more than exciting, especially since he was going to do it with Hajime. 

He reached over to run his fingers through Hajime’s hair. The sunlight caught on his ring, shining the light straight to his eyes. He examined in for a moment. It was so simple. Just a white gold band with slight edging on the side, but it was the most beautiful thing Tooru had ever seen. It didn’t even matter what it looked like. They were in love. It was a symbol of that, a symbol of commitment to each other. He couldn’t wait until he stood up at the altar where they would put the rings on each other, and declare it to the world that they were going to be together until death. 

“Until death do us part,” Tooru murmured to himself. 

Hajime’s eyes flickered open. He groaned, and stretched, nearly knocking Tooru in the face with his arm as his body took a mind of its own to get relief. Hajime laughed softly at the way Tooru jumped out of the way. 

“Morning.” His voice was gravely with sleep. 

Tooru found his morning voice to be so sexy. He loved their talks in the morning where he could listen to it evolve into Hajime’s normal voice. It was funny how voices did that. Your vocal cords care that much about being used. But he would never complain. He just loved that he was going to get to hear that voice for the rest of their lives. 

“Good morning, sleepy head.” Tooru smiled, leaning over for a kiss. “Your breath stinks. And you have drool.” Tooru made a face. 

“Your morning breath isn’t a ray of sunshine.” 

“Sunshine doesn’t have a smell, Hajime.” Tooru said very seriously.

Hajime laughed, pulling Tooru close. “Shut up. Did you sleep well?” 

“Perfect.” Tooru kissed him again. “We need to plan the wedding.”

 

“Tooru, it hasn’t even been twelve hours.” 

“It’s been sixteen actually.”

“You’re such a loser. Let’s just stay in for the day.” Hajime kissed Tooru’s nose. 

“But venues get booked really fast. We need to at least look for that.” 

Hajime just stared at Tooru. Tooru loved it when Hajime looked at him like this. It was a look they only shared in private. His usually hard features were softened, and his eyes were just full of love. Even after all these years, it made Tooru feel safe, loved, protected. He wrapped his arms around his fiance, and buried his face in the man’s chest. This was the rest of the rest of their lives. 

“When do you want it?”

“Hm?” Tooru pulled his face away to look at him. 

“The wedding. When do you want it to be?” 

Tooru rolled to his stomach so he could prop himself up on Hajime’s chest. He thought for a moment. He hadn’t really thought about it. Spring would be nice, but that was absolutely out of the question. Cherry blossom season was always booked solid, and was so expensive. Summer would be too hot. Winter would be nice, but they’d have to be inside. 

“Autumn,” Tooru said definitively. “What were you thinking?”

“I was thinking whatever you’re thinking. You’re too goddamn stubborn for me to fight for anything.” 

“I am not!”

“You are. This autumn?” 

“Yeah.” Tooru wiggled his way up Hajime’s chest. He beamed at him. “I want to say I do as soon as possible.” 

“Oh in that case, do you want to just go to the courthouse and get married?” 

Tooru made a face that caused Hajime to burst out in laughter. “What?”

“I love you, and your stupid, stubborn, dramatic self.” 

“I love you too, ya big gorilla.” Tooru rolled his eyes. “I like October.” 

“Yeah. I like October too.” Hajime stare up at the ceiling for a moment while he thought. “October tenth?”

“That’s a random date.” 

“And you call yourself a romantic.” 

“What?” 

“That’s the first we kissed.” 

Tooru blinked at him. “You, you remembered the date?”

“How could I forget? You gave me a bloody nose.” 

“I was nervous! I didn’t mean too!” 

“I know. It was funny. Chill.”

“Okay, so October first. Inside or outside?” 

“A bit of both since you never know how the weather will be. That way we’re safe either way. We can enjoy good weather, or be inside for the bad.” 

“Good thinking. Now, let’s get up and at em! I want to go out for breakfast. I’ll buy.” 

“Why can’t we just stay in?” Hajime locked fingers with Tooru, catching him from walking away. “Just snuggle up and watch movies all day. We keep putting those two movies off, and now we’re both off. We can go tomorrow.”

Tooru took a deep breath, rolling his eyes. “I just want to make sure that we have the best place. Can we just go look at places? Then we can come back and watch movies. I promise.”

“Only for a few hours, okay? I’m tired.” 

“Deal.” Tooru smiled. “Come take a shower with me. We can have fun.” 

“Why can’t we just have fun here?” Hajime smirked. “Best way to wake up, right? Besides the shower is annoying. Unless you’re tired from last night.”

“Okay,” Tooru agreed with a smile, climbing back into bed. 

Sex with Hajime was so much more. It hadn’t been sex in a long time. He’d always thought the term “making love” was the most cringey thing in the world. It sounded like something that belonged in those cheesy soaps that his mother watched. It never made sense, but he couldn’t think of another way to describe it. Hajime was everywhere. There was nothing separating them. It was always pure passion, and love, mixed lust. 

He loved being dominated in bed. He loved when they explored more kinkier things where the lust was at an all time high, but nothing was better than the slow, intense moments like this where he could feel every inch of Hajime. He was hyperaware of every movement in him. Every push and pull. Everything. The way pleasure shot through him when Hajime hit his prostate expertly. They knew every inch of each other. Tooru never wanted this moment to end. At moments like this all he could was breathe Hajime’s name over and over until the both hit the climax. 

Hajime thrust into him a few more times before releasing, and pulling out. He collapsed on the bed next to him. Hajime pulled him into a kiss. Tooru curled into him, and kissed him again. He was awake now. Nothing better to start the day. The high would last him for most of the day. He never felt more in love, or closer to Hajime than in these moments.

“Let’s get showered and go,” Hajime breathed, pulling Tooru in for one more quick kiss.

\----------

There was a cute cafe down the street from the apartment that the two loved to go. It served the best coffee that Tooru had ever tasted in his life, and the food was just as delicious. The atmosphere was romantic in a way that could only be described as cozy. It was like those cafes in movies where the couple sat outside under cute umbrellas sipping on their drinks. Every day they had off, they’d go unless they decided to make breakfast together, though those days typically ended with the food going unnoticed and the counters being used for something completely different. So this was the best way to go. 

The cherry blossoms were still out, and walking through the streets Tooru could only imagine their wedding when their friends and family threw flowers in the air as they walked out finally as a married couple. It would be so nice. Tooru could see it all now. Hajime would look so cute with a flower crown. Maybe they should do that. Hajime would fight it for a while, but Tooru knew how to be persistent enough to get Hajime to agree to pretty much anything. 

“What colors do you want?” Tooru asked absently. 

“Huh?” 

“For the wedding. What colors. You have to pick colors.”

“For what?”

Tooru stopped dead in his tracks. “For what?”

“Yeah?” Hajime blinked as though this was the first time hearing about any of the rules of weddings. Good thing Tooru was around to help the poor, ignorant soul through it. 

“Flowers, decorations, ties, kerchiefs.” 

“Why does that matter? I don’t want to spend a lot of money on it though, Tooru.” 

“Okay. Makki has the flower shop, and I’m sure he’d be willing to give us a deal on flowers. My mom and I are pretty good at crafts, so we can make the decorations. Suga could probably help us with a cake and stuff. So we’d just need to pay for the venue and food. See? I have it all planned out.” Tooru beamed. 

“Of course you do.” Hajime rolled his eyes feigning annoyance. 

“What do you say about a flower crown?” Tooru asked, spinning to stand in front of him, his arms clasped behind his back. “You look so cute with flowers in your hair.” 

Hajime sighed, burying his hands deep in his pockets. He glanced away at the the trees for a moment before turning back to Tooru. “I don’t think I can change your mind.” 

“Nope!” Tooru winked, pecking Hajime’s lips. “Now come on, we need to find a place!” 

Tooru knew that finding a place was going to be difficult, but he had no idea how difficult. Either things were booked, or the price was too high, or it just wasn’t right. He had a specific idea of what he wanted, and it had to feel right. There had to be a certain air about it. He had to be able to imagine everything, and so far nothing. Not a single thing. 

“Let’s go home, Tooru. I’m getting tired.” 

“Old man,” Tooru teased him. 

“You’re just crazy. Come on.” 

“One more place! Please? Please, please, please, please?” Tooru held his hands up begging the man. 

“Fine. _One_ place. That’s it. One more, and then we’re going home.” 

“Agreed.” 

Tooru laced their hands together, leaning against him, enjoying the warm May weather. This was one of his favorite times of the year. Everyone was outside soaking up the sun, and the beautiful landscape covered in brilliant blanket of colors. There wasn’t ever a time of year that Tooru found his home to not be beautiful, but he always forgot to take it in. Life got in the way. But somehow today was different. He wanted to soak up every moment. He wanted to memorize this day. His first day as an engaged man. The first day of his dreams coming true. 

His eyes were caught on a small event all tucked away from the busy streets. He pulled Hajime behind him, excited to see another possibility. This had to be the best place. He had a feeling of it. 

The inside was spacious with high ceilings and chandeliers. The windows were long and wide, allowing as much sunlight in as possible. The floor was marble. It was perfect. Outside there was a small courtyard where vines were hugging and crawling the fence, and trees. The man told them that they were able to hang lights to illuminate outside, and would even supply lanterns if they chose that. They even offered catering for an amazing price. It was a no brainer that this was the place. 

“Perfect. Don’t you think, Hajime?” 

Hajime glanced around, taking it all in. “Whatever you want.” 

“It’s your wedding too,” Tooru frowned crossing his arms over his chest. “I want you to be happy with everything.” 

“Tooru, all I care about is marrying you, and making you happy. I don’t have to have some big, luxurious wedding. All I want is you, and having our family there. That’s all. I know you love to plan, and I _know_ you’ve thought about your wedding forever. I know you.”

“Aw, Iwa-chan! Such a sap.” Tooru clasped his hands together dramatically, leaning against Hajime.

“Stop it,” Hajime laughed, pushing Tooru away. He turned to the event manager. “We’ll take it.” 

They paid the deposit, and headed out hand in hand, much to the relief of Hajime. Tooru had his head in the clouds, talking a million miles an hour about all his hopes and visions for the wedding. Hajime listened thoughtfully, only interjecting occasionally. 

“I think I still have that playlist with every song we’ve had, but we definitely need to have our first dance to Perfect. That’s the only one you ever picked.” 

“Just because it said that you looked a mess which is how you always look.”

“Rude!” Tooru gasped, bumping Hajime with his body playfully. 

“Shit,” Hajime snapped as his foot slipped off the curb, tripping him up. Their hands came apart.

Time slowed down. He could see Hajime falling into the road. And then the truck came. Eyes so big as he held his arms to shield himself. It hit him, pulling him under the tires before throwing him like a rag doll across the street. 

Tooru ran to him, not paying attention to traffic or anyone else. People were already surrounding him. The truck driver was on the phone running toward them. Nothing had prepared Tooru for what he saw. 

Blood. Blood everywhere. It was coming from his mouth, his nose, ears. 

Hajime’s clothes were almost ripped from his body. His skin was already turning blue, green, and purple with bruising. One of his legs and his arms were bent at impossible angles. He was coughing, trembling. He was _alive._ Tooru dropped to his knees next to him, wanting so badly to touch him, but also didn’t want to hurt him. 

“It’s okay, baby. It’ll be okay.” The ambulance was already blaring through the air. “See, see they’re coming.” 

Hajime stared at him with wild eyes. Tooru took a few deep breaths, trying so hard to be strong, to seem calm because that’s what Hajime would do for him. He didn’t want to scare him. Hajime coughed again, and his lips moved ever so slightly. 

“Tooru.”

“Shhh, save your strength. It’s okay. God, I’m so sorry. I love you. I’m sorry. I should have listened to you and stayed up. I love you so much.” 

“S’okay. I…..lo...ve….y…” Hajime’s eyes fluttered closed. 

“No! No, Hajime, stay awake. I love you. God, Hajime, please wake up. I love you. Stay with me. Please. I love you.” 

He was pushed out of the way as the EMTs arrived. They worked on him. Tooru’s heart was pounding. He couldn’t hear anything but the blood rushing through his ears. His eyes were just glued to Hajime. He looked so lifeless, but they had put an oxygen mask on him, so, so that was good. A neck brace. Stints. Good. That meant he was still alive. Rolled onto the stretcher, and put into the ambulance. 

Tooru ran to the ambulance. “Please, I’m his fiance.”

“I’m sorry, but you’ll have meet us at the hospital. He’s much too unstable. We’ll have to be working on him a lot.” 

The doors were slammed in his face, leaving Tooru to watch the ambulance go. After a moment he took off running after it. His lungs burned. Even as his legs told him to slow down, he refused.

\----------

Hospitals were full of sickness, sadness, heartbreak, death. But there was also hope. The most talented doctors and nurses were gifted with all the tools to heal a person. Tooru had to keep reminding himself. People got better. People were saved. Hajime would be okay. He’d be okay. He was alive when they took him in the ambulance. 

Tooru tugged at his air, from where he was seated on the floor, curled into himself, rocking against the wall. Hajime was going to be okay. He was. He was the strongest person Tooru had ever met. He could do it. He could pull through. He _would_ pull through. He heard footsteps running towards him. 

“Tooru! Tooru, how is he? What happened?” 

He didn’t move. He couldn’t raise his eyes to meet Hajime’s mother. How could he look her in her eyes when this was his fault. If he hadn’t insisted they go look for places, then they’d be at home curled up in bed watching some movie on Netflix. They wouldn’t have been there. Hajime would have never fallen. He, he _pushed him_ into the street. He could still feel himself bumping into him playfully. This was his fault. Tooru did this. 

“Tooru, where is he?” Hajime’s mother took his face in her hands, forcing him to look at her.

She looked like she’d aged ten years. Her face was so torn with worry. All she got was a phone call from the hospital. He hadn’t even given her the courtesy to call her and tell her that her only child was fighting for his life.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t...I didn’t mean to. I-” Tooru broke down. He allowed her to pull him into her arms. “He wanted to stay home.” He sobbed. 

“Shhhh.” She rocked him back and forth, rubbing his back gently until he was calm enough to talk. 

“Surgery. They’d rushed him to surgery before I got here.” 

Tooru stared, glassy eyed at the doors to the operating room, begging for them to open, for the surgeon to come out with a smile to tell them everything went well, that Hajime was okay.

“What happened, Tooru?”

His mouth dried. How could he tell her? She’d never forgive him. He’d never forgive himself. Even if Hajime was okay, he’d never forgive himself. 

“We...we went to go look at venues. He wanted to stay home. I, I wanted to go. He fell. A truck hit him. It’s my fault.” His voice sounded far away. 

“It’s not your fault.”

“It is!” Tooru insisted. “He wanted to stay home. He, he wanted to, we...I bumped him. He fell. I did it.” 

“Tooru, goodness, don’t blame yourself.”

“It’s my fault.” 

The doors opened, and a surgeon walked toward them. Tooru froze. A lump rose in his throat. He couldn’t breathe. His heart stopped. 

“The family of Iwaizumi?” 

“Yes.” 

“Please come with me.” 

“I-Is he okay?”

“He’s pulled through surgery. Let’s go talk.” 

Tooru allowed himself to be pulled to his feet. His body was on autopilot. Hajime pulled through surgery. He was okay. That was good news. So why wasn’t the doctor smiling? She led them to a small conference room, and offered them a seat. 

“Would you like something to drink? Water? Tea? Coffee?”

“No, thank you.” Hajime’s mother answered. She took Tooru’s hand in hers. 

“He’s pulled through surgery, but he’s still very unstable. I want to let you both know the extent of the injuries sustained, and what to expect when we let you go see him.”

“Okay.” The woman’s voice trembled, as he grip on Tooru’s hand tightened.

“Both lungs were punctured, so we placed chest tubes. He is on a machine that is breathing for him. There was massive internal bleeding. His intestines were torn with the impact. We tried to save what we could, but unfortunately we did have to place an ostomy which is where the intestine is pulled outside of the body for stool to exit. We had to take part of his liver. The spleen was removed. There are a significant number of bones that are broken that we’ll need to fix. He received extensive spinal damage, and brain injuries. We are doing everything that we can.”

“So, so he’ll be okay? Will my son be alright?” 

“Only time will tell. I promise you that we will do our best. But with the extent of the injuries, we cannot promise anything at this time.” 

“He’ll be okay,” Tooru whispered. “It’s Hajime. He’ll be okay.” 

The doctor looked between the two of them. “What are your relations to him?”

“I’m his mother. He’s his fiance.” 

“Okay. Ma’am, that means that you have power of attorney. That means you make the medical decisions. At this time it is uncertain that he will ever be off the ventilator. He may well be paralyzed. Even if he does pull through, quality of life cannot be determined. None of this can be determined. I want to let you know a realistic expectation of your son’s estimated prognosis. Do you want us to keep going?” 

The surgeon stared at them with hard brown eyes. How could she sit there and talk so callously about him? It was Hajime. He was going to be okay. He was going to be fine. He, he talked to him. If that were true, he wouldn’t have been able to talk to him. No. 

“He’s going to be okay,” Tooru insisted. “He is. He, he told me he loved me. He talked to me.” 

A sob escaped from Hajime’s mother beside him. She covered her face in her hands, and sobbed into them. Tooru covered his ears. He’d always heard that a mother’s cries were the most soul piercing in these moments. It was true. 

“No, god, no.” 

“Ma’am. I need you to answer me. He needs more surgery, but he is not stable enough right now. I need you to tell me if you want us to keep going. Do you want us to take him back to surgery when he stabilizes?” 

“I…” She glanced at Tooru. “Do, do you think that, is there any possibility that he’ll be okay?” 

“It’s hard to say, but in my professional opinion, his chances are very slim.” 

Hajime’s mother didn’t take her eyes of Tooru. “And, and what would you say his chances of survival are?” 

“It’s hard to say. He is very unstable. He is on a lot of medications to keep his blood pressure up, and his heart working. It doesn’t look good.” 

“He’ll be okay. I know it. He’ll be okay, Obasan.” Tooru forced a smile. “He’s Hajime. He’ll be okay.” 

“Tooru, sweetheart…” Her voice broke. “I’m so sorry.” 

“What?” 

“I’m sorry, baby. I can’t.” 

“No!” Tooru jumped up from the chair. “No! You can’t! You can’t do that!” 

“Tooru, sit down, please.” 

“No! No! No, I won’t let you give up on him.” He turned his attention to the doctor. “Please don’t give up on him. Please. I, I need him.” 

“I’m afraid you can’t make that decision, sir.” 

“Why?” Tooru shouted at Hajime’s mother, pulling away from her attempt to touch him. “You know him. You know he is the strongest person. He’ll do it. He’ll be okay.” 

“No, Tooru, he won’t.”

“He will. He, he has to be.” His body was trembling so violently. “I need him. I can’t, I can’t live without him.”

“He won’t, Tooru. Did you hear the doctor? Even if he lives, he won’t be him. It’s cruel to make somebody live like that.” 

She was holding his hands tight in hers. He didn’t know when she’d taken them. He glanced at the doctor who was dabbing her eyes with a tissue, facing away from them. How could she do that? How could she tell a mother to her face her child was going to die? How many times had she said that to a family? Destroyed them?

“Why don’t you want him? He’s your son,” Tooru begged. “Don’t you love him?”

“Of course I do! I want him to be okay more than anything! I want him here, but I can’t be selfish, _we_ can’t be selfish. I’m sorry, Tooru. I don’t want him to be just a body.” 

“I don’t want to kill him,” Tooru whispered. “It was my fault, please.” 

“It wasn’t your fault. Don’t blame yourself. You didn’t kill him.” She turned to the doctor. “Let him go peacefully. Please. Let us say goodbye.” 

“No! No!” Tooru fell to the floor, sobbing. “No! Please! Obasan, please! Don’t! Don’t! Please. No! No!”

“I’m sorry, Tooru. I’m sorry.” 

“Please,” Tooru whispered. “Please no.” 

“We cannot be cruel and selfish.” 

“I’ll leave you two alone,” the doctor said softly, walking out of the room. 

Tooru hated her. How could she do that? Did she not have feelings? Someone he loved, someone who was loved by so many people was going to die, and all she could do was dab an eye and leave? Meanwhile he couldn’t think, he couldn’t speak, he couldn’t breathe. Every part of him was breaking. He wanted to push Hajime’s mother away from him, wanted to yell at her for not even giving him a chance, but instead he let her hold him while they sobbed together. 

\----------

He wasn’t sure how long he had been sitting in that room, curled up in the corner of the couch, playing with his ring absently. Family and friends were filling the room. People were trying to talk to him, but he didn’t hear what they were saying. Nobody could say anything that would make him feel better. He felt numb. Hajime would be okay. He would. Tooru knew he would. But nobody else believed him, and he had no say because they hadn’t even made it to twenty-four hours of engagement. He’d never be his husband. All those dreams that were so tangible, that fell into place last night had gone up in smoke. 

“Tooru?”

He glanced up at Hajime’s mother. Tears were still streaming down her face. She had the power to keep him alive. She had the power to give him the chance, but she wasn’t. She was giving up on him. He thought, he thought that his parents loved him more than anything in the world. It had been so hard for them to even have a child, and now they were going to let him die. 

“It’s your turn to see him, baby.”

“No,” Tooru shook his head. “I don’t want to. If I see him, then he’s going to die.” 

“Sweetheart…” She pulled her mouth to the side. “I know you love him. I know. Think about him. What would Hajime want? Do you think he’d really want to live like that? On a ventilator, laying in bed? Not even conscious? Is that really living?”

“You don’t know that.” 

“The doctors have told us that there is a very slim chance of him even surviving another surgery. It’s not going to be him anymore. So please, go see him.” 

“You said, you said that, that, that you wanted them to take him off while I was there. I don’t, I can’t, I…” Tooru’s voice broke, and his body collapsed in body wracking sobs. 

“It’s his last wish, Tooru. Remember what he told you last night? That he wanted his last breath to be next to you?” 

“He didn’t mean like this. He meant when we were old, after we built our lives together.” 

“Death knows no age, Tooru. And today is that day. Not everyone has the privilege to go with the one they love the most by their side. He wouldn’t want it any other way.” 

It took another half hour of being talked to by various family and friends to convince Tooru to get up, and go. The hall was impossibly long to the ICU. Monitors were displayed over the nurse’s station. Their conversation ceased suddenly when they saw Tooru. They knew, but he’d never even met them. He walked up to the counter, pulling on his sleeves as he tried to keep himself together. 

“I...I’m looking for Iwaizumi Hajime’s room.” 

One of the nurses stood up to show him to the room. The room was dark, quiet. Hajime was laying in the bed in a blue hospital gown. A tube was shoved down his throat, and that neck brace was still in place. It looked so uncomfortable, like it hurt him. Tooru wanted to take it off. They were going to let him die anyway. Tubes and wires were coming from everywhere. His face was swollen and bruised almost beyond recognition. There were stitches in various places. Seeing him like that made Tooru want to vomit. That wasn’t him. That wasn’t Hajime. No. He looked different. It had to be the wrong room. 

But it wasn’t. 

He brushed back his hair, stroking his fingers through it. He took his hand, rubbing his thumb on the back of his hand. Tooru never thought he’d see Hajime like this. Never thought of anyone looking like this. The whole scene played in his head again. How had their happiness ended in a blink of an eye? How had their lives together been torn away in a mere matter of seconds? 

Tooru pressed his lips to Hajime’s forehead, to his nose, cheeks, and finally his lips. He had always known there was going to be a last kiss, but he never thought it would be like this. Hajime wasn’t supposed to die first. They’d agreed to it. That was the plan because Tooru wasn’t able to handle that thought, now here he was. 

“I’m so sorry,” Tooru whispered. “I’m so sorry. You were right. You’re always right. We should have stayed home. God, I’m so sorry. They said you’re not going to get better, but you are. I know you are. You’re so strong, but, but I, can’t change it. Your mom says it’s selfish to give you a chance, but I don’t think so. I, I need you. Please don’t go.” 

Tooru fell into the chair next to the bed, sobbing. He gasped when he realized he was still holding his hand. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry! Did I hurt you?” 

He watched him for any sign of pain, any side of life. Nothing. But he knew, he _knew_ that he was. It wasn’t just machines like everyone was trying to convince him. Tooru knew Hajime. He was someone who could do anything. He could fight the fucking sun, and win. 

God, why had he insisted on going out? Why? Why was he so goddamn stubborn? Why did he always insist that they do things? Why did Hajime always let him talk him into things? If Hajime had just refused to go...No. No, he was not going to blame him. This was Tooru’s fault. Hajime had wanted to watch Netflix. There was that movie he wanted to watch with him. They were so busy, they just kept pushing off. Work got in the way. They fought. Doors slamming. Walking out of the apartment. Why? Why had they done that? All those fights and arguments were so trivial. Why had he not let go of his ego and just stop? It was always his fault.

“Do you, do you want to watch that movie with me?” Tooru asked softly. 

He waited for a response he knew wasn’t going to come. Slowly, carefully, he crawled into bed with him, trying his hardest not to touch anything that would hurt him. He just wanted to hold him one more time, to lay against his chest one more time and feel safe. God, what he would give to just have Hajime’s strong arms wrap around him just one last time. 

He pulled out his phone, connecting to Netflix to start the movie. Tears fell from his eyes, soaking Hajime’s shirt. It was such a funny movie. Hajime would have laughed so much. Nothing was a better sound than his laugh. Nothing was more beautiful than when he smiled, and pulled Tooru close to him. He’d taken it all for granted. He’d let himself get in the way of nothing but happiness. Nobody understood that. Fights weren’t worth it. Work didn’t matter. Finding time to be together, that was what mattered. Taking every day as a gift, that was what was important, but everyone learned that too late. 

The door opened just as the end credits were rolling. He didn’t want to look. He just wanted to be here with him forever. 

“Are you ready?” Hajime’s mother, asked softly, rubbing his back. 

“No.”

“It’s time, Tooru.” 

“No. No, please, no.” Tooru gripped the fabric in his fists. “We, we were supposed to watch Netflix all day.” 

“Baby, he’s not doing well. The doctor said his vitals are dropping. He’s already going. We need to make it easier. Just let him go without forcing his body to keep going.” 

“One more. One more movie. Please?” 

“I don’t know if he’ll make it that long. He wanted his last breath to be next to you. Not a machine. We have to let him go.” 

“Just one more. Please. One more and I promise. Please, just one more.” 

She chewed her lip, glancing back as one of the nurses came in yet again to check on Hajime. Tooru had been ignoring it for the most part, just focusing on watching the movie, and talking to Hajime. He played with his hand like he usually did when they watched movies. Something in the way she was looking at everything was unsettling. There was worry on her face, and when she glanced at them, there was pity in her eyes. She crossed her arms, chewing her lip. 

“I’m going to go get the doctor.” 

“Is he okay?” Tooru whispered. 

“His blood pressure keeps dropping, and his vitals just don’t look very good. I’ll be right back.” 

“Can’t you give him more medicine?” Tooru asked, new hot tears searing his eyes. 

“He’s a DNR. We’re just giving him time for everyone to say goodbye.” She tugged on her sleeves. Her eyes were shining with tears, and she wiped them away. “I’ll be right back.” 

Tooru closed his eyes, putting his ear over Hajime’s heart. All these years he’d heard it beating, but never really paid attention. All these years he’d heard his breath, but it never meant anything. Now it was everything. He never wanted to hear it stop. Never. They were too young. They were only twenty-six. Hajime’s birthday was in two weeks. Tooru was planning a huge surprise that Hajime would never get to see. 

Hajime’s mother sat down on the chair next to the bed, holding her son’s hand. Tooru’s eyes focused on it. His hand looked so pale, cold. He slowly reached out to touch, withdrawing instantly at the coolness. He glanced up at his face. There was no peace there. Even with him passed out, and sedated, he looked like he was suffering. Tooru shifted, once again making sure that he wasn’t on anything that could hurt him. 

The doctor came in, and stood at the foot of the bed. “I think he’s hemorrhaging somewhere. If you want us to take him off now, it will be more peaceful.”

“Okay,” Hajime’s mother whispered. She covered her mouth, and let out a choked sob. 

“No, no, please.” Tooru begged. “I just want to watch one more movie with him. I promised him I’d watch it with him. Please.” 

“He doesn’t have that time.” 

Tooru’s heart shattered as he resigned. There was nothing he could do. He didn’t want him to suffer. He didn’t want him to be in pain. But god, nothing hurt more than this moment. Tooru sat up, and watched as the medical team started disconnecting him from everything. He was going to watch him die, and it terrified him. He and Hajime had woken up that morning so happy for their next step in life. They’d spent the morning in bed together. If Tooru knew that was the last time he would ever make love to Hajime, then he would have wanted it to last forever. They’d gone to breakfast. They’d picked out the perfect place to get married. They were on their way home. And now, just shy of twenty-four hours since Hajime had asked him to marry him, he was going to die. 

He held Hajime’s hand in his, hoping, and praying to every known deity in the world for a miracle. The room was eerily silent when the ventilator was turned off. Tooru hadn’t even realized it was making any noise. They pulled the tube out of Hajime’s mouth, and he coughed reflexively. Tooru held his breath, hoping so badly that he’d wake up. _Just wake up. Please._

The medical team turned the vital signs machine away from the family. Hajime struggled for breath, his body trying so hard to keep going, but without the help of the machines, it was futile. Tooru scooted up on the bed, running his fingers through the man’s hair. 

“It’s okay. I love you. Thank you so much for the last twenty-six years of my life. I love you. It’s okay-” Tooru’s voice broke. “It’s okay to let go. I’ll be with you as soon as I can.” 

Tooru was sure he felt something change. Hajime’s body seemed to relax at that. He pressed his lips to Hajime’s before laying his head on the pillow so his lips were right next to his ear. He continued to run his fingers through his hair. 

“I found a love for me. Darling just dive right in, and follow my lead.” Tooru’s voice wavered as he trying to sing their latest song to him. “Well I found a boy, beautiful and sweet. I never knew you were the someone waiting for me.” 

Tooru pressed a kiss to his temple. 

“Cuz we were just kids when we fell in love. Not knowing what it was. I will not give you up this time.” 

The line felt like a lie. He was giving him up. He was the reason why he losing him. This was Tooru’s fault. If he had just…

“But darling, just kiss me slow, your heart is all I own, and in your eyes, you’re holding mine.” 

He struggled his way through the song. The first time they’d heard it on the radio, Hajime had looked at him, and told him that it was their song. Their new song. Every moment in their life there was a song. They had made a playlist through the years, but this one, this one was perfect. Maybe that’s why it was the name of the song. It was everything. 

“Baby, I’m dancing in the dark, with you between my arms. Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite song. I have faith in what I see. Now I know I have met an angel in person, and he looks perfect, I don’t deserve this. You look perfect……..tonight.” 

Tooru kissed him again. “I love you so much. God, I love you. I’m so happy that was the last thing you said to me. I want it to be the last thing I say to you, Iwa-chan. I love you. God, I love you more than anything.” 

He watched him. Each breath was becoming more and more labored, longer and longer apart. Tooru wanted to leave. He couldn’t watch him struggle like this. He couldn’t stand to watch him die. 

_I want to take my last breath next to you._

Hajime’s voice in his head was just as strong as if he had said it out loud. Tooru kissed him again, burying his face in his neck. 

“I’m here. I promise I won’t leave you. Just, just let go. It’s okay. It’s okay. I love you. I promise I’ll be here for you last breath. I promise. I love you. It’s okay. I love you.” 

Tooru waited closed his eyes, laying his head on Hajime’s chest. As terrifying as it was, Tooru wanted to hear when the silence came. He wanted to know for himself without anyone telling him. His heart was so weak, barely beating. How could that even be? It was always so strong. He glanced up. 

“Obasan?” 

“Yes?” Hajime’s mother’s shuddering breath answered. 

“Can...is it...is it too late for someone to have his heart? I want to listen to it again like in the news, and in movies.” 

“Not unless we put him back on life support,” the doctor said softly. 

“No,” Tooru whispered, staring at him Hajime’s face. “He finally looks comfortable.”

Tooru closed his eyes, and listened until there was nothing. He felt nothing. It was all too much. He was gone. Hajime was gone. He’d never hear his laugh again. Never see his smile. Never see that look he gave him in private. He had never gotten that on camera. What if he forgot it?

“I love you,” Tooru whispered, pressing one more kiss to Hajime’s now blue lips. “I love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry. I hope you forgive me. Please comment.


End file.
